Talking To Our Kids About Loss

Talking To Our Kids About Loss

It's a hard pill to swallow, but even as adults some of us struggle with the idea of losing someone we love. Good old Benjamin Franklin was spot on when he said nothing can be certain in this world but death and taxes.
Whatever happens after we're gone, the real change is for those left behind. How can we explain that to a child? The permanence and irrevocable nature of it can be overwhelming to process even as an adult. So it's only natural as a parent to want to protect our kids from that kind of pain and suffering.
But is it the right thing to do? —As hard as it is, there’s always a lesson within every loss. We acquire new tools, even subconsciously, that help us to endure and survive life's difficult moments.
Talking to our kids about loss is one of the toughest conversations we can have as parents. Avoiding the subject can only make it harder when life itself forces the conversation in the form of a pet that “went to live on a farm” or a loved one who’s in a better place. There might be no easy way to go about it, but we’ve prepared some tips that can help you navigate these waters while teaching them about loss in a way that helps them process emotions and build resilience.
1. Start with Emotional Awareness
One of the best things about The Lion King, besides being a kids-friendly adaptation of Hamlet, was its portrayal of death. For many of us, that was the first time we became aware of what dying meant. Thinking about how we felt then might help us rewind and empathise with how our kids might process that information.
How did we feel? Confused? Scared?—How do we feel about it now? Understanding our emotions and present perceptions of death gives us a chance to pass on our knowledge as best as we can with empathy and care. Kids are very receptive. They pick up on our mood and vibe quickly, so starting the conversation calmly and relaxed might be a good base.
We’re not trying to shelter them from that knowledge, we shouldn’t be nervous about how they might react when they understand its inevitable permanence. We just have to reassure them and be there, guiding them through a journey we all must make.
Some kids ask questions right away, while others might not want to. Some express sadness, or become upset while others could respond with humour as a coping mechanism and make a light-hearted joke about it. Knowing this in advance allows us to meet them where they are, without judging or pressuring them to react in a certain way.
2. Model Emotional Honesty
Kids learn to deal with emotions by watching us and the world around them. Allowing ourselves to be honest about how we feel, will encourage them to be honest with us, and themselves at the same time. Acknowledging when we’re sad and not being afraid to show it lets them know that it’s okay to feel blue and grieve. We don’t need to hide our emotions and pretend we’re invincible cause we’re not. We can be vulnerable while being a strong reliable presence—helping them feel safe while they process their feelings.
3. Explain Death in a Terms They Understand
The vocabulary, analogies or metaphors we use when teaching our kids on any subject depend strongly on their age. Death shouldn’t be any different, the key is to use language they can grasp.
Younger kids understand simpler terms, though it is important to use the right words and avoid sentences like “gone to sleep” as it can be confusing and could cause anxiety at bedtime. We should aim to explain it as straightforwardly as possible without forgetting we’re talking to someone who’s never experienced the loss of a loved one before. For example: When someone dies, their body stops working, and they don’t feel pain anymore.—Relying on child-oriented material such as books, movies or games, can be a great tool for both if we don’t know where to start.
For older kids, we can extend the conversation and go a bit deeper. We should aim to answer their questions honestly and using relatable examples such as the cycles of animals or plants. This can help them see that death is an instrumental part of life.
If they ask questions about what happens after death, while it largely depends on our own beliefs, it’s okay to admit we don’t have all the answers. Encouraging curiosity helps them feel supported in the face of uncertainty.
4. Be Respectful of Beliefs
Whether we’re religious, spiritual or follow any cultural traditions, our beliefs shape the way we approach death. Sharing those beliefs with our children can give them comfort and healthy coping mechanisms. It’s also important to be open to their questions and perspectives instead of shutting them down. If our family doesn’t follow specific traditions, we can focus on universal values like love, remembrance, and how we carry those we’ve lost with us in our hearts and memories.
The ones who love us never really leave us, you can always find them in your heart.
— Sirius Black
5. Offer Reassurance
The unshakeable permanence of death can be overwhelming to grasp. It’s natural for a child (or anyone for that matter) to worry about losing their loved ones or their own mortality.
We can provide reassurance by letting them know it’s normal to feel scared or sad and that they’re not alone. Talking to them about the care and support they have from us and everyone who loves them can go a long way.
Reminding them they’re safe with us helps them feel grounded, even in times of grief.
6. Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Dealing with loss can be challenging but we can teach our kids how to process it by using healthy coping mechanisms. Talking always helps, but exploring outlets such as drawing or music can help make sense of their emotions. Engaging in sports can also be a great emotional release while improving their overall well-being.
We can also organise activities to honour the person or pet they’ve lost—creating a memory box, planting a tree, or sharing stories. This will provide them with a sense of closure and connection while also helping them realise that while death is final, love and memories endure.
Teaching our kids about death isn’t about having all the right answers. It’s about being present, honest, supportive and patient. All while showing empathy. As fathers, we play an instrumental role in shaping how they face life’s toughest moments. By modelling emotional honesty, encouraging them to be curious, asking questions, and helping them find healthy ways to cope, we’re giving them the tools to navigate loss with resilience and compassion.